This!
The reason this is so is the constant messaging from the moment we hit puberty that black women are unloved, unloveable, and not capable of love from nearly the entire world, even other black women like our aunties and mothers, who also received all the same messaging and are incredibly damaged themselves.

The women who have their shit together had to make a long arduous uphill slog of healing, therapy and loving themselves against this near constant message that black women get that we are the most degraded, not worth love, sometimes not even considered women. More than a little of this messaging comes from people who believe they benefit from our degradation (a certain contingent of black men for example) who are constantly haranguing us for not acting like other culture’s women, (soft, fragile, accepting and trusting) while continuing to make it impossible for us to be those kinds of women!

We are as we are as black women because of the fights we have to have to be our authentic selves. I have had to jettison nearly everything I was taught about how to be a woman in the US because it was wrong for me. I could not be happy, or be my authentic self abiding by any of the many conflicting rules and regulations for womanhood I was given, and I have indeed met many black women who hate (?) me for it. It took me well into my adulthood to meet black women friends because that’s when a lot of them, as you say, finally get their sht together.