I always see people like this in terms of the evolution of ideologies, which grow and change over time. The discussions on femininity, racism, and queerness have evolved, grown, and changed since they began, but those opposed to such concepts usually have not, and can often seem stuck in the ideas they first developed about those subjects. It’s often our job, unfair as that may be, to catch these people up to current discussions.

I often say that such people are in the remedial or 101 class on the subject, while some of us are in the 401 class, or in some cases, graduated with degrees. Some of us have gotten to the point where we just don’t feel like catching those people up on how much the discussion has progressed.

Your mom has until now been in the 101 class, but she has been learning the whole time. She’s trying, and struggling to move on to the next level, and that can be difficult for such people because they want to hold on to what they knew before. They want the discussion to remain in the same place where they started it. For her to move on, she needs to step out into a new space, and that can be scary for them. She’s got two options. She can go forward (which she really seems to want to do) and jettison her association with her old club, even though that scares her, or she can go backward (which she doesn’t seem to want to do), and keep sitting in her old classroom because that’s what’s safe.

I’m sure that if you keep encouraging her, she will make the more selfless decision that benefits her grandchildren.