And at least part of the reason for their unhappiness is their inability to control people who refuse to go along with their program and either let them be in charge and dominate them.

For some reason, this particular contingent of men have a real problem with the idea that some people do not want or need them to be in charge of them. Since they have allowed the idea of "controlling others" to become a major part of their identity, they become enraged when others resist that control, hence the violence. You are literally attacking their identity.