A close friend of mine asked me to attend a retreat with her a few years ago, and tried to tell me how nice the people were there, knowing I would be nervous about attending (mostly due to social anxiety with strangers in general). I tried to impress on her that while she is a very nice person and I enjoy her company, there is no amount of kindness from her that would keep the event from turning into nothing but a horrible memory for me, as all it takes is one white person to make me feel unwelcome, and all her niceness can’t do anything to prevent or overcome that, nor could she reassure me that absolutely no one there wouldn’t try to cause me emotional harm, no matter how nice they are to her.

I told her that she could be the nicest woman who ever lived, but her kindness does nothing to change a system that is inimical to the lives of Black people. Don’t get me wrong, we do appreciate the kindness because that means one less horrible person contributing to the misery, but it does nothing to change the status quo, or even stop other white people from being a##holes.